April Birchbox

The April Birchbox was full of products from companies that focus on natural ingredients and cruelty free production. This was my favorite box yet. All of my friends who are subscribers got awesome boxes this month as well. This company keeps getting better and better.


1. Atelier Cologne Orange Sanguine Cologne Absolue
The sample vial of perfume came packaged with a pretty post card. When I got it open, it was love at first sniff. Not to be fooled by bottle fragrance, though, I put it on and it immediately smelled just like a freshly peeled orange. Once it settled, it left a woodsy scent. This is the first fragrance that Birchbox has sent that I've absolutely fallen in love with. The only thing I didn't like was that the vial had a stopper instead of a sprayer, which made it difficult to get the right amount on. However, since it's a lighter scent, it didn't lead to totally dousing myself. I can't afford this fragrance, but it's definitely on my wish list.

2. Befine Skin Care Sampler
This box contained five single serve packets: two cleanser and three SPF 15 moisturizer. The samples are actually much larger than single serve. The entire sample pack contains at least a week and a half worth of product. The moisturizer was gentle and worked well, and the moisturizer was good, too.

I don't usually look for a lot of fancy anti aging ingredients in a day cream. I want it to be light and non-greasy, have a decent amount of sun screen, and be cruelty free. The moisturizer definitely fit the bill, but is a bit out of my price range. I tend to try to keep day cream under $15 so that I can spend more money on things like hair care. I was also disappointed to get an email from Birchbox stating that some of the samples from Befine were past their expiration date. I checked mine, and they were. Birchbox is giving everyone who received the expired samples 100 points, which is the equivalent of $10. I appreciate this, and the sample issue doesn't reflect badly on them, because the packets were enclosed in boxes with no expiration dates on the outside. It does give me pause about ordering anything from Befine, because they were either careless, or tried to pass off expired samples. Either way, not the best introduction to the company, no matter how much I like the products.


3. Revolution Organics Freedom Glow Beauty Balm
Can I say enough how much I love the surprise of a full sized product in my Birchbox? It's even better when it turns out to be an awesome product. This is a multitasking pigment that can be used on cheeks, lips, and eyelids. The color is pretty bright in the tube, but it's super concentrated and looks amazing on. It's got just a bit of shimmer. This is definitely going to be a travel staple. Revolution Organics is also dedicated to using safe, natural, and mostly organic ingredients. It obviously follows that they don't test on animals.


4. Olìe Biologique 004 Huile Moderne
I've been using argan oil for awhile for extra moisture on my cuticles, knees, elbows and hair. I recently ran out of my Josie Maran oil, so I was glad to give this a try. It includes rosehip and bergamot in addition to the argan oil and is incredibly concentrated. I wasn't super thrilled with the incredibly herbal smell, though. I think it could seriously be used as mosquito repellant. However, it worked wonders on my dry skin. I'll just limit my use to night time. With the $56 price tag on a full sized bottle of this, I'll probably stick with the Josie Maran oil, which runs about $14 at Sephora.


5. Le Palais des Thés Tea Bags
I love tea, so I was thrilled to see these in my box. The first one I tried was Thé des Alizés, which is a green tea infused with white peach, kiwi, and watermelon. It smelled delightful in the bag and brewed up delicately fruity. The other sample was Thé du Hammam, a green tea with rose petals, green dates and orange flower water. It was even more tasty than the Thé du Hammam. The tea is $12.50 for 20 bags, so a little on the spendier side. However, I was able to get two brews out of each bag, so if you're frugal you can stretch it further. Not sure if I'll buy it anytime soon, but when I want to splurge a bit on tea, these will be on the top of the list.

Lunch Time

First Break: Banana, almonds.
Lunch: Hummus and veggie wrap, honey Greek yogurt with strawberries, granola and flax seed, clementines.
Second Break: Apple, dried fruit and mixed nuts.



First Break: Clementines, almonds.
Lunch: Lentil Dahl over brown rice, tomatoes, honey Greek yogurt with strawberries, granola and flax seed.
Second Break: Apple, dried fruit and mixed nuts.



First Break: Brownie, banana.
Lunch: Veggie pizza, salad with cranberries, Gorgonzola, walnuts and honey Dijon dressing, clementines.
Second Break: Apple, dried fruit and mixed nuts.

I made breakfast pizza on Wednesday morning, so I decided to make a mini pizza for lunch since I already had the oven on. I topped it with grape tomatoes, spinach, red onions, and mozzarella.




First Break: Cheesecake, craisins, banana.
Lunch: Spaghetti with marinara, salad with honey Dijon dressing, clementine.
Second Break: Clementine, dried fruit and mixed nuts.

Trevor made a cheesecake for his speech class on Wednesday, and luckily there were some leftovers. I only took half a slice so I'd avoid a food coma, and took a few cranberries to mitigate the sweetness.



First Break: Nut thin crackers, cheddar, clementine.
Lunch: Tuna, avocado, bell peppers and tomatoes, honey Greek yogurt.
Second Break: Apple, dried fruit and mixed nuts.

I shop for lunch specific items every two weeks, so I had to get pretty creative. I usually grab restaurant sandwich as a Friday treat, but decided to mix it up this week by stopping for a breakfast sandwich instead. I had a delicious sausage and egg on a bagel sandwich at Cabin Coffee. The sandwich plus a small coffee were less expensive than my usual Friday lunch, so I'll probably do breakfast out on Fridays more often.

Five Things Friday: Beauty Faves

I try very hard not to focus too much on things on the blog, but I do like to talk beauty products, as evidenced by my monthly Birchbox posts. Here are five beauty products worth trying.

1. Tigi Catwalk Curlesque Curls Rock Amplifier
If Tigi ever discontinues this, I will be so sad. It will be the worst First World Problem ever. I am so thankful for the hair stylist that suggested this to me. It's like a gel, serum, and curl cream combined into a fruity smelling package. It smooths, defines, and adds shine. It's especially great when I have the time to blow dry with a diffuser. I've been out for awhile, but I'm trying to use up an Aveda product that I like but don't love. I can't wait to be reunited with it.


2. Kiss My Face Lavender and Shea Butter Moisturizer
I bought this for Maya for Christmas and we've ended up sharing it. It's a lightweight but long lasting lotion with a light floral scent. It's especially great to put on before bed, since lavender is a calming scent. I've bought a few Kiss My Face products in the past, and they've all been good values. If you're looking for a fruitier scent, Peaches and Cream is wonderful. I carry a small tube in my bag.


3. Dr. Bronner's All in One Castille Soap in Rose Hemp
I'm totally late to the party with Dr. Bronner's, I know. I've seen it around for years and have never tried it. Recently, though, the co-op had a sale on the small bottles, so I grabbed one to try. I use it as a shower gel, and it is fantastic. It's incredibly moisturizing, which is great for my dry skin. I like the light fragrance, too.


4. Carol's Daughter Monoi Repairing Conditioner
I bought this using mostly Birchbox points in December. It's pricey, but the one area where I will almost always splurge if I'm able to is hair care products, especially conditioner. I felt a difference right away in the softness and resiliency of my hair. The only issue I have with it is that it's not the best detangler I've used. I detangle in the shower with conditioner and a wide toothed comb, so that's an important quality to have. Still, it's definitely something I'll buy again.


5. Miss Jessie's Creme de la Creme Conditioner
This conditioner is pretty much perfect, and costs about $4 less than the Carol's Daughter. It detangles beautifully and leaves my hair super soft and tame. I think I'll alternate this with the other conditioner. Miss Jessie's makes some other curly hair products that I'm excited to try, like the Curly Merinque and the Quick Curls.

Throwback Thursday: At 17

There aren't many photos of me from high school. Film and processing were expensive, and I was usually the one behind the camera. So when a friend posted this picture on Facebook, I experienced a flood of thought and emotion. I remembered that shirt, I vaguely remembered the day these pictures were taken. We were being artistic, playing around with black and white film. It brought back that summer when we'd hang out at Jill's, because she was an only child with the entire top floor to herself. As long as we were set with snacks and beverages, we could stay up there for days. I was still fighting with my hair all the time. I was fighting with my mom all the time. It was the summer I met Maya's father. I thought I was so fat then, when I absolutely wasn't. I had a pager. I had my first job. I bought my first pair of real Doc Martens. Minimum wage was $4.25 so it took a whole paycheck.

I did a lot of things I shouldn't have that summer, but I don't truly regret any of it. Those experiences are an integral part of who I am today. And despite how hard it has been to be a young mom, and as much as I am not endorsing it for anyone, Maya is an extraordinary human being and I'm glad that someone so amazing came out of so much turmoil.

It's also amazing to see that the girls I hung out with that summer have also grown into beautiful, successful women. Jill, Kara, Lyndsey, Jessica, it goes to show that there are worse ways to waste youth.

People like to write letters to their teenaged selves, but I know that if I were to have received a letter from my 32 year old self, I wouldn't have listened. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Expectations vs. Reality

My favorite scene in (500) Days Of Summer is the "Expectations vs. Reality" scene. It's presented in split screen, showing a party as it has been spun beforehand in Tom's imagination, and how it actually unfolds. I know that we're talking about a deeply flawed movie that perpetuates the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope, but there are elements of that movie that made me say "Yes, this is me. This has happened," and this scene was one of them. I'm often guilty of playing out events I'm looking forward to in my head before they happen, spinning them into brightly colored fantasies. It seems to be one of those universal human traits that doesn't get talked about often.

As I've gotten older, I've learned to temper that part of my imagination a bit, but I still do it quite often. It's not so much a problem when I realize what I'm doing and let myself still have fun no matter how differently things turn out. But sometimes I let the expectations spin out of control and dampen a perfectly nice reality.

My husband is not sentimental. He's incredibly practical and has a dry sense of humor. He shows us that he loves us more by the things he does than the things he says. This creates a beautiful balance to my own more emotional nature. I thought for years that I needed another wild and creative person as a partner, but that never worked out for me.

We do well when we remember that we are different, and don't expect the other to react as we would. We run into trouble when he expects stoicism from me, or I expect romanticism from him.

I planned a picnic lunch for us on Easter. Vegetarian for Maya and me, vegan for Trevor. The day started out so beautifully; 60 degrees and sunny. I packed everything in a cooler and grabbed a quilt. I imagined us relaxing in the park under the sun, on the double wedding ring quilt that my Granny made for me, just enjoying some coveted family time.

We decided on Myrick Park, which was busy but not packed that afternoon. As we were looking for parking, he told me that he really didn't want to sit on the ground. I was upset, because I had let my imagination create a perfect scene in my head, and that detail had attained an importance all out of proportion to any other detail. But his practical reasons won over my whimsical and romantic ones, and we found a table. We ate in silence for awhile. It wasn't a pouting silence. It was just one of those silences that happens when no one knows how to get back on track or whether it's too soon to get back on track. I was also embarrassed that I'd let something so trivial upset me so much. It didn't help that it seemed as though the moment we sat down, the weather turned overcast, with a chilly wind. The food was still delicious, we were all still together, and I sat there feeling silly for forgetting who this person is that I married, and getting upset for expecting him to act in a way counter to who he is. And he was right. The ground was probably still wet, there weren't any areas flat enough, and we'd probably have been overrun with bugs. Those are the things you forget about when you see photos of happily picnicking families. It would not have been the magical, whimsical time I'd had in mind anyway.

What got us back on track, and on each other's side, was when he cracked a joke about some SCA-ers who were having fighting practice in the park. Now, I may have gone to an SCA event or two in my youth, so I have no problem with the Society. However, I will crack a joke or two with my family if it means getting us all on the same side again. It was us against the guys hitting each other with PVC swords. The family that snarks together stays together.

But of course, the damned sun would come out again the very minute we got home.

Tuesday Tunes: Damn Arkansan's New EP

Will Eubanks, Chris Fletcher, Caleb Rose, Drew WallsPhoto by Emily Cole

My friend Drew's band, Damn Arkansan, has a new EP out called Brave Mistakes. It has been the soundtrack to my mornings for the past week. It is rambling, jangly, and delightful. Stellar harmonies, solid songwriting and tight instrumentation. I think you'll like it, too. If you do, please support independent music by hitting the "buy" or "share" button.

Picture an Hour: April 14, 2012

8:37 AMListening to music and making breakfast.



9:45 AMI was planning to set out the flowers that Trevor got me for Easter, but the weekend was looking rough weather wise, and the frost danger is apparently still not over, so I just moved them to the porch for some natural light.



10:40 AMThis guy was hiding in Maya's jeans and managed to sting her twice before she crushed him. Some baking soda paste and a couple of Benadryl later, and we were good to go.



11:05 AMMy Saturday project was organizing the kitchen cabinets. It's a really small kitchen, so I have to re-evaluate our systems pretty frequently.



12:08 PMThis drawer has been the most frustrating, but I think I have it under control now. Next step is getting shelf liner that doesn't scream "Your Gramma's house in 1972."



1:25 PMThe sun came out and the air smelled of lilacs.



2:29 PMI gave in to the call of the futon, and was fighting a nap.



4:34 PMI gave in to taking a nap. When I woke up, it was overcast again.


5:06 PM
Trevor cooking supper. Lentil Dahl over brown rice.



6:44 PM These flowers were starting to close up for the night.



7:45 PM Getting ready to see a band. I actually remembered to accessorize.



8:31 PMAt the Root Note, Maya had a banana and Nutella crepe. Delicious.



9:10 PMThe artist we caught was Chastity Brown. She's kind of amazing, and we think you should check her out.

Lunch Time

This week at work was a rough one. I was dealing with some pretty intense anxiety issues that resulted in a trip to the doctor. Hopefully everything will be sorted in the next few weeks.



First Break: Banana, peanut butter and chocolate candy.
Lunch: Veggie chili, tomatoes and carrots, clementine.
Second Break: Honey Greek yogurt, blueberries, granola and flax seeds, clementine.

The candy was from my Easter basket. It was a lot like a Reese's egg, but with higher quality chocolate and a smoother texture to the peanut butter.



First Break: Peanut Butter Spotted Cows, banana.
Lunch: Egg salad wrap, chips and pico de gallo.
Second Break: Veggies and hummus, clementines.

New Glarus Spotted Cow is my favorite beer, so I had to chuckle when I saw these spotted cows in my Easter basket. They aren't the least bit beery, just delicious.

I tried out brown rice tortillas this week on Angie's recommendation. They're a little trickier to roll up, but I love the texture and flavor.



First Break: Peanut Butter Spotted Cows, almonds, clementine.
Lunch: Veggie chili, Honey Greek yogurt with blueberries, granola and flax seed, clementine.
Second Break: Veggies and hummus, apple.



First Break: Peanut Butter Spotted Cows, almonds, craisins.
Lunch: Macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, clementine.
Second Break: Apple, clementine.

Wednesday night I had a bit of a revolt against eating a vegan dinner. I went to the deli at the grocery store and grabbed the most comforting of comfort foods. There was enough for two meals, so I had comfort food again for lunch.


On Friday, we had free hot dogs and chips at work to celebrate the opening of baseball season. It'd been quite awhile since I'd had a hot dog, so I definitely indulged. I may have also spent my usual Friday lunch money on an iced mocha on the way to work. No big deal once in awhile, but I do need to avoid slipping back into careless spending.

Parks and Recreation: Morning Commute

I've been taking the bus to work since I started the job in February. There's a stop right across the street from my house, but the closest stop to work leaves about a six block walk. When it was still cold, I tended to hurry, focusing on keeping myself warm and getting there quickly. The last part of the walk takes me through Riverside Park. A week or so ago, on a cool, misty morning, I spotted a man, in a hammock slung between two trees feet from the river, reading a book, his bicycle leaning on one of the trees. It looked so idyllic that I wanted to cry from wanting to trade places with him for the morning. Later, I realized that while I can't wile away an entire weekday morning in the park, I could definitely spend a little time every morning just being outside. So I've started walking a few blocks from my house to another stop, and taking an earlier bus. I get off the bus at an earlier stop as well, to extend my walk. Once I get to the park, I usually have plenty of time to spend reading and drinking coffee. It's helped my morning attitude immensely.

It helps a lot that the park is like a Technicolor dream these days. Every morning when I approach it, I feel as though I'm walking into a Douglas Sirk film.

Tuesday Tunes: Boybands are Back...Alright?

Sunday was fairly typical. We were watching Saturday Night Live on Hulu like we always do. I scanned past the opening credits, so I missed who the musical guest was. So, when Sofia Vergara introduced One Direction, I expected yet another up and coming indie artist, because SNL has been featuring a lot of those lately. But what we were met with were five innocuously good looking teenage boys, dressed on trend for this very second, singing a pop song to a backing track, and sort of dancing. I thought, "Wow, the formula never changes, does it?" Seriously, these boys may have shaggy hair and skinny jeans, but it's the same thing that's been repeated over.



And over.

Bay City Rollers

And over.

New Kids on the Block

And over.

Backstreet Boys



I promise, ladies, in ten years this photo will look just as dated as the ones above. Actually, it may look dated next week.


I am a huge fan of the Backstreet Boys, and of pop music. I have a love hate relationship with Justin Timberlake (love his music, hate his acting.) I will never be ashamed of my love for pop, especially the way it will churn out a new iteration of a decades old formula time after time after time.

I asked Maya about One Direction, and while she isn't into them, she says a ton of girls at school are. She said that they all have their favorites, and that they are very protective of their favorites, and talk of fate and destiny and marriage. Sound familiar to anyone who ever loved the Heart throb, or the Bad Boy, or even the Troll? I'm sure these lads take up a lot of ink in Tiger Beat and Bop. (Are those still published? Surely the teen glossy formula is as indestructible as the boyband formula.)

This leads me to wonder, if One Direction is a one off, or if they're the harbingers of the come back of the boy band. The traditional recording industry is hurting, and the boy band is a business model that works. There's tons of money to be made in merchandise and touring, even if most of the audience illegally downloads the music. The great thing about boy band love, though, is that it's easy to turn loyalty into actual music sales. Never was this illustrated more fully than when one record company pitted two groups of fans against each other to prove their band's superiority by parting with their cold hard cash. Does anyone else who survived the BSB/*NSync rivalry look back and feel completely duped?


Whatever happens, I know it'll be a fun ride for the girls who are fans.

P.S. If you're looking for some light reading on the subject, check out Caroline Sullivan's Bye Bye Baby: My Tragic Love Affair with The Bay City Rollers. If you've ever been a mega fan, of anyone or anything, or you just want to get inside the head of one, it's fascinating. I read it in the early 2000s and was amazed at the similarities in my experiences and hers.

Easter Past and Present

Growing up, Easter was a big deal in my family, and a weekend long affair. It was aalways spent at my grandparents' farm. On Friday night or sometime on Saturday, we would dye Easter eggs. We almost always used plain food coloring. Sometimes we had shrink wraps and stickers, but I never thought those were a whole lot of fun. One year my mom bought a stencil kit which used plain wax crayons to create bunny, flower and chick designs. We used that kit for years, and I spotted it in use the last time I was able to go home for Easter, in 2008.

The Easter dinner preparations were usually started on Saturday as well. Easter dinner was similar to Thanksgiving, with the addition of ham. We'd go to bed with cooking smells filling the house, excited to see our baskets in the morning.

Our baskets were usually full of chocolate and jelly beans with the occasional bottle of bubbles or a kite. I almost always got a new stuffed bunny every year, too. Easter also meant a brand new church dress, sewn by my Granny. Sometimes I got to choose the fabric, but mostly it was a surprise. Usually all the girls had matching dresses. I also got new church shoes, a hat and purse, and new lacy ankle socks. Before church, we'd take pictures, dressed up in our Easter clothes and holding our baskets. For many years, these photos were taken in front of a backdrop made from this pink embroidered bedspread that my Papa would hang on the wall.


Left; My Granny and Papa Right; My brother and me.

After photos, we went to church. I didn't always like going to my home church, but I always loved going to my Granny's church. It's a small country church on a state highway, set against a backdrop of fields and a big Delta sky. Back then it was cotton and rice, and now it's soybeans and corn, but the last time I went, nothing much had changed. Last summer we went to Trevor's grandmother's birthday party, which was held in the Fellowship Hall of a small country church in Kansas, and I was amazed to walk in and find that it smelled exactly like my Granny's church. Slightly musty, but also like Pine Sol and warm wood.

When we got back home from church, the dinner preparations began in earnest. We changed into play clothes and went outside. Everyone was busy and loud, with the kids running in and out of the kitchen stealing tastes of the food.

After dinner, we hunted eggs. When I was little, my mom and aunts usually did the hiding, then let the kids go out in groups, youngest first to find the more easily spotted eggs. As my brother, cousin Marissa, and I got older, the egg hiding duties were passed on to us.

Once Maya came along, I discovered the joy of passing along family traditions to her. Her early Easters were very similar to the ones I had growing up.


Left; Maya in an Easter dress I made Right; Maya and Granny ready for church




Now, since we're away from family, we don't really do a lot on Easter. We give each other baskets, and have a good meal together. It's simple and easy, but I do miss my big family gatherings and all the traditions. Here are the baskets I put together for Trevor and Maya.


For Maya, mostly candy and gum, and a few travel sized toiletries for her big trip this summer.



For my level five vegan husband, some body and animal friendly treats.

Trevor gave Maya and I a ton of our favorite candies. He also gave me some pansies and coral bells to plant, and Maya some drawing and writing supplies. He's really great at gifts, that one.

We're still working out our own traditions away from our extended families, but I think we're doing okay. I definitely do want to make it home for Easter next year, though.

Lunch Time

This week, I packed too much food almost every day. The days go by faster than they did in training, and there's no time for mindless snacking. I like to err on the side of caution, but I think that I'm going to grab some nuts and dried fruit to throw in my desk and cut down on what I'm actually packing for lunch.



First Break: Dried fruit, granola, chocolate, mixed nuts, banana.
Lunch: Lentil Dahl over brown rice, plum.
Second Break: Veggies and hummus, orange.


First Break: Dried fruit, granola, chocolate, mixed nuts.
Lunch: Avocado and cheddar sandwich on wheat, salad with Lemon Goddess dressing, clementines.
Second Break: Veggies and hummus, pear.

I've been making avocado and cheddar sandwiches for lunch since the seventh grade. Back then I usually had them on rye. To avoid sogginess and oxidation, I mash up half an avocado with some lemon juice and salt, and layer sliced tomatoes on top in a separate container. I also put a little spicy mustard in a separate container, then put it all together at lunch. Just the smell of this sandwich brings me back to the junior high lunch room.



First Break: Dried fruit, granola, chocolate, mixed nuts.
Lunch: Spaghetti with spicy Alfredo spinach and asparagus, salad with cranberries, almonds, Gorgonzola and Lemon Goddess dressing, clementine.
Second Break: Cheddar and mozzarella, apple.



First Break: Dried fruit, granola, mixed nuts, banana.
Lunch: Veggies over brown rice, salad with Lemon Goddess dressing, plum.
Second Break: Bean dip and corn chips, orange.

Probably the most unphotogenic meal ever, but it was delicious.

Tuesday Tunes: Muriel Plays Piano

Marc Cohn released "Walking in Memphis" in 1991, when I was in the sixth grade. I have always loved this song, because I have always loved Memphis, flaws and all. It wasn't until 2008, when my mother sent me an article from Delta Magazine, that I discovered an even deeper connection to the song.

Now Muriel plays piano
Every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
And they asked me if I would --
Do a little number
And I sang with all my might
And she said --
"Tell me are you a Christian child?"
And I said "Ma'am I am tonight"


Muriel is my paternal grandmother. How did I not know that Marc Cohn's Muriel, the one that helped him recover from writer's block, was my grandmother? Because I don't have a relationship with my father, and I only met Muriel once. I believe it was Christmas of 1983 when we took a trip to see her. I remember it vaguely. I remember being a bit confused, because the only grandmother I knew of was my Granny, my mama's mama. I was only vaguely aware that I was supposed to have two grannies. Despite my confusion,I remember that she was kind and had a big beautiful smile, and made me feel welcome.



I never saw her again. She died in 1990, and a year later was immortalized in a top forty song whose back story I wouldn't know for another seventeen years.

The article is full of praise for my grandmother. The kind of things you want to be said about you when you've passed on. She is described as being "the most Christian woman [Pettis] has ever known." A friend said that "She was like a sister to me and she was unshakable in her faith." A documentary film maker said of her music, "When I heard Muriel play, I realized she had a wonderful gift of love and inspiration." The author himself describes her as "was one of the most awe-inspiring and wonderful ladies I had ever been around."

As I read the article, I vacillated between sadness and anger. Sadness that I had never known this glorious woman, and anger that I didn't know her because of an irresponsible, deadbeat father. I felt cheated. This was a woman who could have taught me more about holding my head up high as a black woman. She earned a Master's degree at the University of Arkansas at a time when it was almost impossible for black women to go to college at all. I think that even if she had been a domestic, like so many black women were at the time, it wouldn't have dimmed her light.

But what hit me the hardest was learning that she was a musician, that she was a singer, that she sang from the deepest part of her soul. I share a love of sewing with my maternal grandmother, my Granny, who loves to sing, but can't carry a tune in a bucket. She will readily admit this, and some of my earliest memories involve standing on the pew beside her at Pleasant Hill Baptist Church as she warbled "Victory in Jesus" or "How Great Thou Art." I wish I could have the same memories with my other grandmother. Or that she could have known how much I love to sing, and how, even though I am not religious now, how music fills me with love and happiness expanding to every molecule. I wish I could have gone to church with her, or could have sat on the piano bench with her at the Hollywood, or anywhere, adding my clear alto in harmony to her "beautiful and husky voice."

Since she died relatively young, I know that not all of this would have been possible, but I'm saddened that the actions of one person can lead to the absence of so much more than just that one relationship. Growing up without a father is hard. I'm lucky that my mother's family is so close and protective, and that my Papa was able to step in and demonstrate to me how a real man takes care of his family. I just never knew what I was missing in not having two grannies, until it was written and printed.

When I get paid this week, I'm going to buy the documentary Mississippi Delta Blues, which contains the only known recording of my grandmother, singing "Darkness on the Delta."

Fields of cotton all around me
Voices ringing soft and low
Lord I'm lucky that you found me
Where the muddy Mississippi waters flow